Podcast here.
You tell yourself it only happens on TV - you get to the cash register with a forbidden product and they announce clearly over the loudspeaker exactly what you have and that they need someone to do a price check on that item.  Usually on these sitcoms, they announce it loudly two or three times before the person trying to purchase the item sneaks away or dies of embarrassment. 

Well, it didn't happen exactly that way for me, but dying of embarrassment was a possibility.  I had a big meeting yesterday morning.  I was decked out in a beautiful suit (which I don't do everyday as I work at home) and went to work.  Even  before I made it to the office, I thought, uh oh, this underwear is VERY uncomfortable.  I have to tell you that in the past four months or so I have gained 20 to 25 pounds.  Pounds that I had lost over two years ago.  I keep thinking, why buy new clothes when hopefully I will lose some weight again?  Well, the weight isn't coming off and my clothes, particularly the underwear, are too tight. 

So after sitting or should I say squirming through a long meeting where I focused on nothing but my nether regions and was contemplating going to the restroom and just removing said item, I decided that I had had ENOUGH.  I will go buy new undies!  Not tomorrow, but TODAY!

I rushed from work with enthusiasm for my shopping spree, picked up my daughter from school and then realized I would have to take her with me.  I try to avoid taking Hannah shopping with her constant chants of "I want that" and "Why can't I have that?" and "You are so mean, Mommy".  Usually said in a very loud voice.  Now I must admit that Hannah is quite spoiled and many times I do buy her some item she wants, which makes the whining even more vigorous.  So I find myself in a lingerie section of a department store and start looking at underwear and I am not too proud to admit it, but yes, I was looking for quite a large pair.  I like looseness and comfort and the days are long gone where I suffer for some sexy little slip of fabric. 

After having my daughter pick up a pair of underwear barely there with Santa on them and asking me "What are these for?" - and me explaining or attempting to explain a thong, as in which parts of it go where, without any extra information, she picked up every frilly and sexy, furry item and began extolling each item's virtues - again in a loud voice - and the questions continued. "Why can't I get this pair?" I explain to her my mission.  I even give her my size.  I tell her that I want XL or XXL and I want practical and comfortable. This became her mission too. 

Did I mention that I had a headache the size of Texas at this point and just wanted to grab something and get out of there or abandon my quest and run for the door?  Why did I think this would be easy???!!!  Hannah dutifully went around and made some more reasonable choices for my to look at with only the occasional see-through lace pair thrown in.  It wasn't as easy as I had expected to find a comfortable-looking pair of undies.  Particularly with the holidays coming up and every imaginable red and green combination for sale, and some enticing Santa doing naughty things, everywhere! (Was this Victoria's Secret? No! This was Target!!!).

I finally made my selections and made my way to the checkout counter, where I gave in to Hannah and allowed her to buy some small item - OK, a large candy bar - to get her to STOP (I know, I know, bad parenting idea, but I just wanted to get home and perhaps have a glass of wine to stop the self-loathing I feel about my size....) when IT HAPPENS. 

The cashier, a pimply teen, holds my granny panties high over his head and announces on the microphone, "I need a price check in intimates!"  (Of course, Hannah then proceeds to inquire into the meaning of the word intimates......)  At the top of her voice, she then tries to explain to the assistant, who comes and roughly handles said item, to not forget they are XL or XXL because my Mommy hates tight underwear and besides she is pretty fat now and that other stuff just won't work!  I am ready for the hole to appear so I can fall in it or walk away from Hannah and pretend she is someone else's daughter and that the woman about whom she is speaking is in no way, shape or form is me, when Hannah loudly proclaims, "Don't check the prices on thongs because my Mommy doesn't wear them and they don't come in a big enough size." 

The few women in line whose eyes meet mine look sufficiently embarrassed for me, and the clerk who was ringing me up was bright red from his ears to his cheeks and he didn't look at me at all, but instead was looking at his feet wishing his shift was over or that he had called in sick today.  When the bored assistant returns and tosses the undies on the counter and tells the clerk that there aren't anymore and he can't find a price and walks away, the clerk feels sorry for me and says, "Don't worry, my mom is fat, too and has to buy these" and then rings them up as a miscellaneous item and charges me $5.98.

So ends another day in the life of Jules ... it goes without saying that wine was consumed that evening and chocolate was eaten.  I will worry about the diet another day ...